Mydixadrill

Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin.

Names also considered were: mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin and my personal favorite, mydixadrill.

Mouse Hands

Well this sucks! I have two computers at work that I use at the same time. So I have double mouse hands! Here is a chain mail I got:

Hello dear friends,

We just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year:

Thanks to you, we no longer open any public bathroom door without using a paper
towel.

We can't sit down on any hotel bedspread because we can only imagine what may have happened
on it since it was washed.

We have trouble shaking hands with anyone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
(Cell
phone usage may have taken over the #1 spot.)

Eating
a Little Debbie causes us a guilt trip because we can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats we have consumed over the years.

We can't touch any woman's purse for fear she once placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom. Yuck!

We send special thanks to whoever sent us the one about poop in
the glue
on envelopes. Now we must use a wet sponge with every
envelope that
needs sealing.

Also
for the same
reason, now we must scrub the top of each can before we open it.

We sent all our savings to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.

And now we're penniless, but that'll change once we receive
the $15,000
that Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are sending us
for participating in their special e-mail program.

We no longer worry
about our souls because we have 363,214 angels looking out for us, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted our every wish.

We no longer eat at KFC because all their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

We no longer use cancer-causing deodorant, even though we both smell like water buffaloes
on a hot day.

Thanks
to you, we have learned that our prayers only get answered if we
forward an
email to seven of our friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

Because
of your concern, we can no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

We can never buy gasoline unless someone is along to watch the
car so
a serial killer can't crawl in the back seat when we are pumping
the gas.

We can't drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper because the people who make
these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on
their cans.

We don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And
thanks for letting us know we can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore
because it will blow up in our face and disfigure us for
life.

We no longer check the coin returns on pay phones because we could be
pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

We never go to shopping malls any more, because someone could drug us with a
perfume sample
and rob us.

We refuse all packages from UPS and FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda
in disguise.

We no longer shop at Target because they are French
and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.

We're afraid to answer the phone because someone could ask us to dial a
number for
which we will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.

We won't buy expensive Neiman
Marcus cookies now because we have their recipe.

Thanks
to you, we'll never again use any toilet but our own because big
brown African
spiders lurk under the seats to bite our butts and cause instant death.

And
thanks to your great advice, we can't ever pick up a $5 bill lying in
the parking
lot because some
sex pervert probably put it there and is underneath our car waiting to grab our legs.

We can no longer
drive our cars because we can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

Now! If you don't send
this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon, and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your armpits and cause you to grow a hairy lump. I know this is true because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful
day!

Oh, by the
way.....

A German scientist
from Argentina has
discovered after a lengthy study that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't
bother taking it off now,
it's too late!

Dumb man

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on" he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

She replied, 'Your horse called.'

I jumped on a surfer because I can...

Pick the month you were born:

January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March--------I karate chopped
April----------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19------ - a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can..
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!

Now type out the sentence you made

Pakistan recuitment hotline

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Court humor

Steve sent this to my wife, who sent it to me. It's from a book called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

we don't need no stinkin' badges

The Decline and Fall of Rome

Here is a funny joke that my buddy Steve sent to me today:

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980 - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990 - A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers)

6. Teaching Math In 2006 - Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?