On the topic of losing ... Part One

Speaking of losing, what does one do when they have lost everything? When everything you worked for is gone. When the stress of the effort placed into a task is now made invalid? When the thief of agony replaces the joy of success? I saw darkness

Well actually I didn't lose everything.... it only felt like I did! It's perspective really. When I got hurt and had to leave fire fighting involuntarily the pain physically and emotionally was, at that time, intense. Don't get me wrong it still hurts! My heart sinks when I see emergency lights and I still get a little ping of excitement when I hear sirens. My back continues to hurt to this day. Even typing to you at this moment.

"When the thief of agony replaces the joy of success? I saw darkness"

The question I placed for examination was "Did I lose everything" and the answer is no. It felt like I had everything ripped from me. I could barely interact with my children for years. My ex-partner was going through her own dark period and could not support me. I turned to alcohol and video games. I avoided people and stayed inside my office for days, to months, to years.

I had an afternoon where everything clicked for me and things had to change. I could not see worth in myself, my identity was built on how much I could produce and how much I could provide for my family.... both obliterated in just one day. I had become inflexible; married to an idea of value. In that idea, a flaw really, I had become of no use. I became a depressed, physically disabled drunk.

It was on that afternoon that I died and came back someone else... to be continued