eternity apart

Into my life and brought me my life. You gave me so much and I will forever feel your loss. Our souls will never touch again, infinity is a long time to be from my love. 

lost my mind there for a bit

Can went a little sideways there heh heh but nothing to worry about. Back in the light. *Whistles nervously*

seeing double

It's weird that I see a stranger that looks like my love.

Podcast challenge

I've been seeking help from YouTube and podcasts. Don't laugh, it's the more serious ones on how to deal with loss, love, breakups, and life after. I found several people that have nearly the identical experience I have had.

I'm still hurting as if my insides had been scooped out. Faylene still cannot give me a straight answer and I've stopped asking. She wants someone else and I just need to process that. Didn't say agree but I do have to move past it or I will be consumed by jealousy, anger, and hatred. Which would all be legit considering but would it be the best for me? 

I can't change the situation but I change how this situation changes me. I'm aiming for a better and emotionally healthier version.

Dealing....but am I, really?

Find myself slightly less insane today. Instead of obsessing my everythought intoafullblownpanicattack. I am able to break up my ride on the crazy train with some actual big people things, like work and bills. Hizaah!

Doesn't help that I come home and she is just as pretty as she was before. It hurts that I fall in love with her the more I see her. She says the 18th is her move out day *Deep breath*

Totally solid..

It's like having your heart just blast you kilometers away onto a dark island. The only lighthouse is her and she turned off her lamp, she doesn't want to grant me safe harbor.

Fay, what's going on? Why does your body look foreign to me? I'm scared. You're so far away now....

k, now what?

Me: You said you wanted to do counciling

Her: I did

Me: All you had to do was call. They won't accept an appointment until you call and confirm.

Her: I know

Me: I'm just frustrated. I don't understand. You said I check off all your boxes except romance. We just had a baby, we have maybe 10 minutes twice a week.

Her: It's not just that.

Me: I feel like I have two choices here. One, let you go and try our best to co-parent. Two, fight for you and our daughter. I don't know what the right answer is but I know the wrong one.

Her: I want you to pick the first one

... and that's when I lost hope.

Burned Again

2020 ..... I'm sure the psychology trade publications will be writing about the surge of introspection that came with this year.

As I begin, what a crazy period of my life. I've been in this over drive in the last five years to make things stable. I was in a Toxic-to-us relationship for 10 years. A divorce and years of therapy got me stable. I meet a ray beam of pure sunlight and fall head over heals of my future baby mamma. Then we split, we didn't even try to save our relationship. When I say we I mean as a team. I tried. I tried like a motherfucker.

"Drama breeds drama"

Was in a staff meeting the other day. One of the executives was talking about employee performance. He was say that "Drama breeds drama" and it needs to managed to. 

So it's 2020....and I'm single again and all I can think about is you.