The Jesus Fish Chronicles: Chronicle three, Shopping cart couple in the isle

The Jesus Fish Chronicles: Chronicle three, Shopping cart couple in the isle



I

was about to start this chronicle with "We live in a world full of

people". False! I hate to be the guy that poo poo's great literature

=). It is said that 70% of this planet is water and I don't know about

you but my apartment is not located in the Gulf of Mexico. So this

doesn't sound like a "Full of" does it? So lets assume they meant the

land mass is full of people. Pretty reasonable statement. So..."We live

in a world where the 30% land mass is full of people", sound right?

Emmmm...not entirely accurate. Take into account that mountain ranges

account for 24% of the land mass and those are not auspicious to human

population growth. Oh don't get me wrong, people live on mountains but

you won't find Los Angels on the top of the Rocky mountains. Still, I

wouldn't put a tick mark in the "Full of" category.

Also conceder Deserts, which Columbia Univ. breaks out the desert

percentage by nation but not for the entire planet. And then what about

about open land and farm land. About

21% of the earth has arable land. Meaning, land that is able to support

functions that support human population growth. Do major cities inhabit

these farms lands? I don't think so, when I fly from Austin to Dallas I

am pretty sure that shortly after take off I see mostly open and/or

farm land.

So the statement "We live in a world full of people" as you can see is

False. What I meant to say is that we deliberatly cram ourselfs into

towns and cities. So what does this all mean?

I like to type a lot when I am at work

Shopping cart couple in the isle

Saturday September 16th, HEB on Louis Henna

YAY!

Grocery shopping! I am starting to look forward to grocery shopping.

really. In the past I dreaded the day that my wife said, "ok, after

work we need to go grocery shopping". I would come up with excuses and

weasel out of it but she finally wised up and put a stop to that. So

now I go.

With each trip I began to realize something....it is a station for hot babes! So now I actually want to go grocery shopping :0)

So Saturday, at the Laundry detergent isle, it struck. Jesus Fish

It was a trashy looking couple.









The family and I where heading down the isle to get milk (it is located

in the freezer by the isle in question, at the end) and from no where

the couple swing into the isle and just stoped. Now we where making a

nice clip to the milk and where is their cart? Right smack in the

middle of the isle. Where are they? Trying to read the label on some

cleaning solution.

Two things wrong here

1) Don't fling your cart around a corner unless you fully intend to have my fist shoving your teeth into a lovely new pattern

2)

Don't leave your cart in the middle of the isle. It is rude, very rude

and subjects you a very jarring noise as I ram your cart out of the

way.

And

in this corner, wearing red, white, and blue trunks, we have Bryan "I

love to complain all the time" Bracamonte! And in the other corner,

wearing dingy white trunks with the chewing tobacco stain, we have

Trashy husband dude

Have

I rammed a cart before, yes. I have an amazing amount of tolerance and

refrain from acting like a child in public. However there are times I

lose it and behave poorly. No, I didn't do it this time. I simply just

clipped their cart and keep walking. I'm not sure how they reacted as I

didn't look back but there is story.

This

is how other people react when you act like a complete jerk in public.

People tend to get upset and it leads to unpleasantness and possible

redecorating.

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The Jesus Fish Chronicles: Chronicle two, Shopping cart lady in the drive way

The Jesus Fish Chronicles: Chronicle two, Shopping cart lady







in the drive way

Prelude

In the spirit of almost pointless blogging, I am going to talk to you about the self-righteous pompous ass attitude from Left/Right religious people. This comes in two extremes. One is the Religious right, typically Republicans, that think they are better than anyone else and just perform the dumbest acts in public that I have ever seen. The other is the Religious left and carry the attitude that I can do what I want because the government protects me from my dumb public actions.

Think I am joking? Watch people at a cross walk! The right just walks into the cross walk with out regard to traffic. Well, unless it is obvious heavy traffic they won't but you find a cross walk here in Round Rock and you'll see it within 20 minutes. The left walks out into traffic under the assumption that pedestrians have the right of way. Interesting little factoid, you don't. Serious, look at the State legal code and you'll see where you have to give on coming cars a warning that you are going to cross and THEN you have to wait for them to stop. If you fail to do either then you are x% at fault in the accident that is almost sure to happen. If you are more than a certain percentage, sorry I don't know it at the moment, then you have to cover the cost of the damage to the car that YOU hit when you put YOURSELF in its path. Burst any bubbles?

So now to this weeks Jesus Fish

Shopping cart lady in the drive way

Thursday September 8th, 12:00(ish) HEB on Louis Henna

Parking Lot: place to park you car when you are shopping

Drive way: A place for cars to drive in the parking lot to enter/leave or park in the parking lot

I hope the above is a universally accepted definition or purpose of "parking lot" and "drive way". I am not going to get all scientific and start quoting thesis from University of higher learning or anything. Just keepin' it for reals yo!

So answer me this, Super fat lady that had your knee fat rubbing together, why do you think it is ok to push your cart-o-snack cakes down the MIDDLE OF THE EFF'ING DRIVE WAY! There most have been 3 cars honking at you! I know you heard us because you keep shooting glances at me as I was honking you! Where are you coming from where you think it is ok to waddle down the middle of a drive way try to find your lime green Volkswagen mini bus. Every other rational ADULT walks on either side of the drive so cars can go to and fro. Is this some sort of political statement? Religious conviction? Mental disease? Give me something here. I want to blame this on anything else other than your a$s-hole attitude

So Shopping cart lady in the drive way lady I hope that you are trying to leave the store on your lunch hour and some prick blocks your way as they waddle to their Volkswagen.

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The Jesus Fish Chronicles: Chronicle one, Jesus Fish

Prelude



I think I

have had enough and I need to write this down or I'm just going to flip

out. It's getting to the point where I dread driving in Austin and I

absolutely hate driving on the road with SUV's. You can only imagine my

anguish when I am driving in Austin next to, behind of, or in front of,

a SUV.



These two categories of drivers exhibit a unique trait in

human culture that is the single most regressive, annoying, and

frustrating trait of all: A FALSE sense of importance. Lets establish a

premise here, first of all ... no one cares if you are in a hurry. No

one cares if you want to get some where faster. No one cares about you

at all in the pursuit of what you want.

• What people care about when they are driving is getting from point A to point B.
  
  
• What people care about when they are driving is not killing anyone.
  
  
• What people care about when they are driving is not hurting anyone.
  
  
• What people care about when they are driving is not damaging their car or damaging another car.
  
  

That

pretty much sums up the objectives of driving! So there are natural

laws to driving to promote a safe and happy experience. If all follow

these rules then everyone completes their objectives and goes home

happy.



Jesus Fish

Location: Austin, TX

Street: Metric

Time: 5:20 (ish)



I

am driving in the car with my wife and 4 month old daughter. We are

heading to our financial demise, aka Babies-R-Us, and I am in the

middle lane in Metric Blvd.. There is a huge semi-truck in front of me.

Now one thing about me, I hate being behind a truck when there is no

need to. I just put myself in their shoes and if it were me in that

truck I would really want people to just pass me and not ride my butt.

So I merge into a very empty right hand lane. From no where there is a

WHITE SUV that is going past the point of tail gating and almost

grinding my bumper!



After a short series of brake light

flashing, we pass the semi-truck, the SUV pulls into the middle land.

He speeds up and (this is the gem) tried to side scrape me. WTF! Are

you Eff'ing nuts! This prick is actually getting in my lane and trying

to parallel hit me or something. Screw that, so I hit the brakes a

little and he goes flying down traffic. Before he is out of few I

notice his bumper stickers: W'04 and the Jesus Fish.



So this is

just my empirical observation here but why is it that just about every

self-righteous prick on the road has a Jesus Fish?



Anyways, So

Jesus Fish dude.....if I ever cross paths with you again I promise to

beat the living crap out of you. I am going to bounce your thick skull

against a road side curb six or seven times. I will gladly pay any

court fees and jail time that comes from your pansy ass civil suit.

Then when I get out, I will kick your ass again and gladly go back to

jail.

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