The Jesus Fish Chronicles: Chronicle one, Jesus Fish

Prelude



I think I

have had enough and I need to write this down or I'm just going to flip

out. It's getting to the point where I dread driving in Austin and I

absolutely hate driving on the road with SUV's. You can only imagine my

anguish when I am driving in Austin next to, behind of, or in front of,

a SUV.



These two categories of drivers exhibit a unique trait in

human culture that is the single most regressive, annoying, and

frustrating trait of all: A FALSE sense of importance. Lets establish a

premise here, first of all ... no one cares if you are in a hurry. No

one cares if you want to get some where faster. No one cares about you

at all in the pursuit of what you want.

• What people care about when they are driving is getting from point A to point B.
  
  
• What people care about when they are driving is not killing anyone.
  
  
• What people care about when they are driving is not hurting anyone.
  
  
• What people care about when they are driving is not damaging their car or damaging another car.
  
  

That

pretty much sums up the objectives of driving! So there are natural

laws to driving to promote a safe and happy experience. If all follow

these rules then everyone completes their objectives and goes home

happy.



Jesus Fish

Location: Austin, TX

Street: Metric

Time: 5:20 (ish)



I

am driving in the car with my wife and 4 month old daughter. We are

heading to our financial demise, aka Babies-R-Us, and I am in the

middle lane in Metric Blvd.. There is a huge semi-truck in front of me.

Now one thing about me, I hate being behind a truck when there is no

need to. I just put myself in their shoes and if it were me in that

truck I would really want people to just pass me and not ride my butt.

So I merge into a very empty right hand lane. From no where there is a

WHITE SUV that is going past the point of tail gating and almost

grinding my bumper!



After a short series of brake light

flashing, we pass the semi-truck, the SUV pulls into the middle land.

He speeds up and (this is the gem) tried to side scrape me. WTF! Are

you Eff'ing nuts! This prick is actually getting in my lane and trying

to parallel hit me or something. Screw that, so I hit the brakes a

little and he goes flying down traffic. Before he is out of few I

notice his bumper stickers: W'04 and the Jesus Fish.



So this is

just my empirical observation here but why is it that just about every

self-righteous prick on the road has a Jesus Fish?



Anyways, So

Jesus Fish dude.....if I ever cross paths with you again I promise to

beat the living crap out of you. I am going to bounce your thick skull

against a road side curb six or seven times. I will gladly pay any

court fees and jail time that comes from your pansy ass civil suit.

Then when I get out, I will kick your ass again and gladly go back to

jail.

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